[11 days. Since I took a rest day from my morning adventures and my badass alter ego seems to be hiding in the closet, I thought I would give you the 411 without any drama. —–> I am scheduled to have a lumpectomy on Sept 14th (yes, it is unfortunately Taylor’s 4th birthday). At the same time, the surgeon will inject some blue dye and dig around for some lymph nodes to biopsy. If the fucking C hasn’t left my boob and touched those nodes, I could get away with just radiation. A WALK IN THE PARK. If that fucker is on the move, I will most likely do the chemo thing which I am TERRIFIED just typing. Because the girls happily sucked out any boob I ever had, there will be a noticeable chunk missing on the left. There is also some genetic testing floating around San Diego on its way back to Boise that could change my plans, but no one really thinks I have any genetic mutations that make me anything like Angelina.] September 3, 2015
Remembering back to this time is unsettling. I can see myself from the outside. I wish I could tell myself that everything will be ok. It will be what you fear most and it will still be ok. More than OK. It will be great. Just wait and see. You will feel stronger and more confident than ever. Diane, you will feel like you are conquering the world and in many ways you are – YOUR world.
Your fears aren’t founded in reality. Do you hear me? Your fears are bullshit! (They always have been. Think about that one. Ha!) And as it turned out, everyone’s speculations were bullshit too. Bullshit to keep your hopes up but it just added a steeper drop to the roller coaster.
5 months later and I have so much experience and wisdom. I have so much calm and fight. And I have so much PRIDE. We all tend to think that there is hope in not knowing – and we cling to that like a life raft – but really there is just fear and worry. On this day back in early September I was full of nothing but fear and worry and without running or biking to beat it down, it was filling me up like a Thanksgiving meal I couldn’t stop eating. I couldn’t even face the camera. Straight facts were all I could muster.
Oh, Diane. Be kind to yourself and be patient.
#thisis40 #itsafuckingparty #OperationGetItOut