[13 days. I read too much on the internet last night and today I want to hide. Good thing I know better and ran a little farther this morning.] October 6, 2015

I follow this really terrific blog called The Mom Edit. A lot of people do. Shana is cute and funny, witty and fashionable. I want to be her friend. She’s an engineer turned fashion blogger, a wife, a mom, and a breast cancer survivor. I stumbled upon this last fact long before I went looking for a role model. Back then I just had sympathy for this young mom who was going through this terrible thing and actually blogging about it in a very real way. So after I was diagnosed, of course I went straight to her for comfort. Like I said, she’s FUNNY and CUTE…and I thought MUCH WORSE OFF than I was. Ha!

Well wouldn’t you know, everyone from the doctors to the nurses to the social worker told me not to read anything on the internet about breast cancer. And in my defense, I didn’t until that fateful night right before I made this Facebook post. I wasn’t stupid enough to google diagnoses and survival rates. COME ON. I left the real research up to my researcher husband – THE ONE WHO CAN SEPARATE FACT FROM FEELING. But I did read everything Shana had written about her experience. I thought smugly that her cancer was more aggressive and that’s why she needed rounds and rounds of dreadful chemo. Surely she deserved more pity than I did because she had a double mastectomy. I was recommended for a teeny tiny lumpectomy. That’s so much farther from death! It wasn’t my tumor’s fault the margins weren’t clear and we needed to go back in.

By the time I went to bed though, which was hours later than intended, I was thoroughly freaked out. Shana had been diagnosed with DCIS at first (that shit isn’t even invasive!) and the tumor they found hiding beneath that was smaller than mine. SMALLER – for crying out loud! Like me, chemo was recommended after her Oncotype DX came back showing that the biology of the cancer was more aggressive than they originally thought. But she had 4 measly rounds of chemo and I was being offered 6. 6! That’s 50% MORE!

Any false comfort I had imagined was just that – FALSE.

Now what did I have left to hold on to??

NOW I was not only scared, but I also felt stupid. Why did I read so much? Why did I delve into the details of Shana’s treatment?? Ignorance was bliss just a few short hours ago!

The next morning I thought I could outrun my new fear. When that didn’t work, I thought I would outshop my new fear. That ultimately didn’t work either but I did come across this t-shirt at the Nike store and thought YES. I’m hiding! The only thing that will help is coming out of hiding AGAIN.

Then a wise friend and (not-coincidentally) cancer survivor wrote:

Here’s something for you to read on the Internet. “You kick ass!! And you are going to kick this thing’s ass!! The End.”

It seemed just as valid as anything Shana had written.

#hidingislonely #singingatthegrocerystoreisbetter #operationgetitoutdeja2

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