[No running. No biking. Just THIS.] November 7, 2015

Everyone always wants to talk about the hair loss. We are OBSESSED with the hair loss.

Why is that?

I’ve thought about it every day since the call came through about chemo. It would strike me as incredibly shallow when a friend or acquaintance was concerned about me losing my hair. I wanted to shout WHY AREN’T YOU MORE CONCERNED ABOUT MY GIRLS?! WHO GIVES A RAT’S ASS ABOUT MY HAIR?! But on the inside, I was thinking about it constantly.

I think being bald is the one outward sign that someone is going through chemotherapy. It shouts out to the world I HAVE CANCER!

BALD = CHEMOTHERAPY = CANCER = DEATH.

Especially for women, being bald is not a cultural norm, so when we see it, we assume it is cancer and chemo. The first time I went to St. Luke’s Mountain States Tumor Institute (MSTI), Will and I were waiting in the lobby and I peeked around to see all of these bald people sitting underneath hats and bad wigs. I wanted to run out of there SCREAMING. I didn’t want to be one of those people. I certainly didn’t FEEL like one of those people. I didn’t feel sick and I certainly didn’t want to be seen as SICK.

The cool thing about knowing you are going to lose your hair is that you can do whatever you want to it first. I once told a friend that I was “being painted into a corner” but it really was a liberating feeling. This was one of the first times cancer made me feel TOTALLY FREE.

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

No regrets. No backlash. No whispers. Just love and support and FUN.

THIS badass cut

I would get a faux hawk. SO I DID!

I had pinned this photo to my Pinterest board almost a year before with the caption: THIS badass cut. I loved it. But I remember hesitating to even pin it because I knew I would never do it. I would never have the guts to actually try it. Not me, I thought. She is cute and has tattoos. Me, I have straight, boring, safe hair and that’s fine. Nothing to feel silly about. I was so worried about regret and seeing myself in a different way. What if I didn’t like it?

Well, I LOVED IT!

I felt FREE and DIFFERENT. I felt PROACTIVE and IN CONTROL. I felt STRONG and BADASS.

It made me wonder what I had always been so afraid of. It made me realize that my fears had stopped me from doing a lot of things I really wanted to do. I made a silent vow to stop living that way.

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from Brene Brown’s Rising Strong

I was standing fully in my truth and it felt AMAZING.

#cutitoff #nathanshawismyhero #risingstrong #20gr8 #wholeheartedliving