[What now, you ask? Nothing and everything all at once. There are no full body scans to check for cancerous cells in my body. I am simply done with treatments. That’s the nothing. Now my life starts again. Continues. That’s the everything. A friend took me out on the trails this morning and it’s like I could breathe again. I have trips I want to take, projects I want to work on, and surprises up my sleeve. Oh, the surprises!] March 11, 2016
Despite what most people thought, there was no instant relief after having my final chemo infusion. While everyone was busy cheering YOU’RE DONE! I knew I still had 1 more nadir to power through. These were the quiet days spent at home that few people witnessed. I would lie in bed, my heart pounding, as my body tried to deal with all of the drugs.
I laid low for 9 days before posting this photo of Taylor. I felt like people were waiting for me to make a declaration:
I’m cancer free!
I’ve beaten it!
My doctor said I’m in remission!
But in reality there is none of that. I’m glad a friend warned me about that through her own experience. We did the best we could. We removed everything surgically at the beginning. Then we did 6 rounds of chemo to ensure that the cancer didn’t metastasize in other parts of my body. And now we wait and see if it worked. Hopefully we’ll be waiting for years.
I asked Dr. M on the morning of that final infusion how we would know when the cancer had come back in my bones or brain to kill me. I said it somewhat in jest and he started off with a chuckle, but he also knew I was dead serious. Then he said, “Let’s start with me saying I THINK I CURED YOU.” Ok. Then he laid out our path of visits, bloodwork, physicals, and discussions about how I am feeling. He said that this plan of monitoring was just as effective as scans but without the exposure to radiation. That is good enough for me. Like I’ve said before, Dr. M is a numbers guy. And that’s my kinda guy.
My conscience is clear knowing I did everything I could to better my odds of a cancer-free future. Now it is time to DREAM. I want to feel like I’m flying on the trails again before anyone else is even out of bed. I have trips I want to take to reconnect with people who have supported me in special ways. (I actually already made one of these trips to Denver and it was magical in many ways. More on that soon.) I have projects I want to work on – most importantly THIS BLOG, but also other writing projects I have been too scared to work on until now. And hopefully by getting this blog up and running I’ll have a terrific platform for revealing my surprises. Oh, THE SURPRISES!
#dontyouknowit #20gr8 #everywhereilookiseerainbows